Why is it that we can dream of big dreams all our lives and go as far away from home as possible……….only to miss it so dang much?? I’m sitting on my balcony, all curled up with candles lit all over, a glass of wine, and Christmas music. That’s right, Christmas music. Always when I feel a bit homesick or sad or what not, I go back to Christmas music.
Actually I started this post before at night in the cold on my balcony. Now, I am in fact having coffee at the table looking at the fall weather deciding how to begin…..I did put some Christmas music on to recreate the mood. I wanted to say something specific in this post but couldn’t get it right, so I paused…I continued in my lack of words that I have been in until this morning when I really got my butt into gear. So here goes. Why not. I am grateful for my life and want to share my experiences so people can share theirs with me back.
Having this change of pace, and slowing my life down significantly to live in the French country side has given me ample time to think and ponder, if you will. My dad will appreciate the use of ponder…..haha.
Is this a good or bad thing, I wonder……..but I’m unsure.
Regardless, I sit and think about life and my story and the stories of the people I love and remember and all of it until I drown myself in memories, good and bad, and I feel sad all over. This must be the actor in me. Or maybe this inability for me to not feel everything is why I always felt the need to act in the first place. An escape from the reality of our short lives. I am not being depressive, but we all do this, I think, in our own ways. I do know that part of the secret to happiness is to live in the present…to not focus on the past or fret about the future…c’est la vie…..I can’t help myself.
We travel quite a bit and have so many highlights, and when we arrive back, it’s often a drop as I’m still not working here and dont have much to do. I’m trying to accept that is a GREAT thing and that I have time to focus on the things I want and need to learn and improve, but I took pride in my success and my pride has been hurt. So many of us have been there, I’m sure .
So, truth is I have been in a funk. I’ll be honest and transparent. People tell me this is natural when changing so many things in your life. But a year on, I thought it would be a little easier.
Our trips help immensely and distract me. I’m so happy when traveling so it’s a Godsend to have so many amazing opportunities and wonderful destinations on our doorstep. I will be posting about those trips with photos throughout the week and they will be happy jovial posts to make up for this rather melancholic one. 🙂
Anyway, I’ve been in a funk as I said before. I miss my dog so much it’s silly and I carry a lot of guilt over that loss and French is very hard for me as is sucking at life :-). Although I COULD practice more. I took this on. I’m not complaining. It’s just that I’ve been feeling that I’m not a strong enough person to handle all of these changes…….that its too much. Dragan exists in this crazy world of sport and celebrities and travel and I find it intimidating much of the time. Honestly, I’m so overwhelmed most days that I cry while Dragan holds me and wipes away my tears until I am fine and then we cook and talk and it all feels fine. I will say this, I recover easily. My moods rarely ever last very long and while melancholic in nature I’m also quite bubbly and active and hate being weighed down. Anyone else like this???? He’s such a good man and he has introduced me to so many lovely people who call to see how I’m doing, even though they barely know me. The truth is, I hardly want to speak with anyone though becoming quite isolationist in my ways since Bailey died. I spend my days talking to my mom and God, which are both great!
I think this is ok as I really think we all do this at some point in our lives. So, what I have begun to do is similar to what I used to do in NYC. There were times in NYC that I would doubt myself so much or felt I lacked the skills to make it. I was worried. I was stressed. So on my walks to work, I would have a theme song for a bit. Or at times I would listen to sermons by Tim Keller. I found when I was listening to like, Missy Higgins, I felt sad. I felt heartbreak, which I confess, I love that music. But when I would play Frank Sinatra or something, I felt a pop in my step. I eventually adopted my theme song for my walk to work, which was “This Girl is on Fire” by Alicia Keys. I would walk to it and I felt my confidence growing….I felt absolutely alive….I felt I could literally accomplish anything I wanted… and to be honest I started to excel in my career. I finally started to do what my Dad had always attempted to feed into me……I was feeding my mind with positivity and the effects were beginning to show in my life. Then I met Dragan and I honestly think that up until that moment, I was not ready mentally for him.
I moved here and I was immersed into something crazy and weird and hard. I retracted…I should say, I have been retracting. Then, the other night I went running in the rain and on my Ipod came the song by Katy Perry, “Roar”. omg. The same thing happened as in NYC. I stopped running. It was raining so hard and I was looking out at the lake and it’s like I snapped out of myself for a moment to see how selfish I was being. That song is about a relationship, obviously, and breaking away from someone and realizing your own strength. I think it applies to life and especially to mine right now. I feel beaten down. I feel fear that I won’t be able to do the things here that I should or I’m not learning French quickly enough or that I won’t be able to live so far away from everything I have always loved or any of the gazillion other things I dwell on.
ROAR. Fear is not from God and will always hold you back. ROAR
I want to do that in my life. Don’t we all hope to do that? Don’t we all hope to leave our mark? Don’t we all hope to love TOO much and to be noticed by someone who loves us TOO much? Don’t we all hope to AFFECT the world around us, no matter how big or small? Don’t we all want to be good at something….whether it’s a job or raising kids or cooking or sport or anything?
So, I’m standing in the pouring rain and it occurs to me that I’m not doing what I could. Granted, I can’t do what I did before, but I can write in my blog to share my travels with family and friends…..I can continue my French studies and I can stop being so consumed with MYSELF. Tomorrow or later today I will share Monaco, which was quite …… Interesting. Let’s just say, I guess I look very much Russian and perhaps like a prostitute……tbc.
Meanwhile I would welcome to hear your experiences and things you have done to get out of a bad time. Please share your stories as I will love to read them!!! Post directly on here!
Love to anyone who actually reads this!!!