Dragan and I have been in NYC for the past few days as I closed on a sale for some clients of mine. I worked hard on this deal and I should have felt joy at its completion and joy at my paycheck…:)…()…but, alas, I just have this great grief welling up inside me. I hated going to my neighborhood that I shared with Bailey for 3 years. Entering my apt building was excruciating and walking in all our best spots made me depressed. I used to take Bailey with me to the grocery store and she would just sit outside and wait for me. I got to where I didn’t even need to tie her up…….I would just lay her leash down and run inside……rushing back every few seconds to see her looking at me. 🙂 She was just so cute and sweet and I didn’t deserve her.
Do you ever notice how uncomfortable people can be with someone’s grief? That there is an effort not to bring it up and I feel that and I find myself making an effort not to cry when discussing her. I hate that. I wonder why we are all so uncomfortable with talking about the real true things in our lives……why we are scared I show our transparency and to look each other in eyes and be weak when our hearts hurt.
I guess I don’t know what I am feeling. We leave today for the vacation we had planned before my beautiful Bailey got sick so suddenly, and I find myself feeling so guilty and fearful of being happy……..lest that be disrespectful to her. It’s hard. Our B&B in Newport and our hotel in Chicago are pet friendly and we booked those as we had thought she would enjoy coming along. She was such a good traveler. I could fly her with me and she would go through security and kiss the security if they were close enough…….and just patiently wait and sit at any time without ever making a peep. Just a perfect little dog. She was always just so happy to go along. She loved to ride in NYC taxis as I would roll down the window and she would smell the city streets and quickly twist her head back and forth……the excitement of Gotham as thrilling to her as was to me. When I first moved to NYC, I worked at a dog boutique on the UWS and we would walk together just over half a mile where she would sit on the counter on a foggy bed with me the whole shift. She would let me out little outfits on her for customers to see…….bark at the big dogs….. And was amazing with the children as they reached up to pet her or give her a kiss proffer her treats. There was a live in cat almost as big as her and she would chase him when the store wasn’t open which always made me laugh. She had to learn how to go to the bathroom on busy NY sidewalks, which is why I think she was so happy this past year living in Ohio with a big yard of grass!!! Ha! Such lovely little memories.
I think that’s why it was so hard being back there. Right now, I’m just glad I do not have to stay. I’m grateful I can get away, but wonder how you escape the memories in the silence when you aren’t ready to relish the good bc you want to mourn the unfairness of something or someone you love being taken too soon.
So many have shared their own losses and memories with me and everyone’s stories are so heartbreaking and beautiful and to those people I thank for opening their hearts to me…..for being transparent as that is how we can connect and help each other through these times…..and for caring enough to reach to me in a time when I feel so terrible..
I hope to try to enjoy this vacation a little as its an opportunity for Dragan to see some of this amazing country of ours and will try to keep everyone posted of our trip and our experiences.
Much love to all